Long before social media, there was Social Comparison Theory.
Say what? Coined by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, this theory states that human beings are simply hardwired to compare themselves to others. We also tend to derive our own self-worth and potential to succeed based on these perceptions, even if what we perceive isn’t entirely true. We’re all familiar with this concept, whether we knew it had a name or not. We scroll through our Instagram feeds and compare our vacations, clothes, jobs and even our lunches to other peoples’ carefully-curated photos. We go to a workout class, and assess the physiques and skill levels of our classmates to somehow determine how “in shape” we are! It sounds so silly when we talk about it, but that doesn’t change the fact that none of us are immune to it. We all do it, we all occasionally tell ourselves we’ll “never do it again,” and then we all eventually find ourselves wondering once again:
Am I enough? Am I too much? Am I going to stay this way forever?
Here’s what I have to say to that: Yes, no, and that depends on you. According to the Social Comparison Theory, there are two ways we compare ourselves to others: upward and downward comparison. In upward, we compare ourselves to someone we think is doing “better” than us; for example, you might decide that someone at work is better informed, more organized, or friendlier than you are, and you might aspire to follow their example and work a little harder on yourself. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? And in fact, it’s not, because oftentimes we can use social comparison as a means of healthy self-evaluation and motivation. Our ancestors actually relied on this form of comparison, since it was important to have an accurate assessment of one’s own survival skills and capabilities as a matter of literal life or death. Not very good at making spears or finding edible plants to eat? Not as fast at tree-climbing as your buddy? Better get working on it, because you may not eat, or worse– you could get eaten!
Can comparing myself to others actually keep me from achieving my own true potential and joy?
The flip side of the coin, and probably the one many of us experience more often, is the kind of comparison that ends up making us feel less-than, hopeless, or unmotivated to try at all. Funny enough, we’re still talking about upward comparison here! The difference is that sometimes we choose ineffectual models to focus our self-assessing attention on, and that can not only be hurtful, but it can also paralyze us from achieving our own goals. We might see a beautiful woman in a magazine ad, and feel like there’s no point in going for a jog today because our body will never look like hers, no matter how much we work out. We might see a celebrity post a photo of their palatial house on social media, and feel inferior just because we live in a small apartment. Believe me, I can relate to these feelings, and also to the Herculean effort it sometimes takes just to lift ourselves out of them too. Social comparison can be a very helpful tool, but like all tools, we must strive to use it for good.
You are the only one who decides your worth.
Self-esteem is a tricky little bugger, isn’t it? One day, we’re flying high on life, and the next, we feel like nothing’s going our way. I challenge anyone who says that life is a ladder that we simply climb up rung by rung, because all of nature (and so much scientific research too) points to our experience in these human bodies as being more like an ocean– filled with waves, ever-moving, sometimes fierce, but always working toward balance. That brings us to the second type of social comparison, the downward kind, where we compare ourselves to someone we feel is doing “worse” than we are. This is usually done in an unconscious effort to make ourselves feel better, and you might think it’s a useful trick, since it reminds us that no matter how bad we have it, things could always be worse. The danger here, however, is that studies show this way of thinking usually doesn’t make us feel better, but can instead act as a kind of affirmation that life is unfair, or as is sometimes the case with upward comparison, even a distraction that keeps us from working toward our own personal goals.
How can we use our natural tendency to compare for good?
I’m so glad you asked, because here’s where things get really interesting, and where the greatest change takes flight! The first step is forgiving yourself for being a human. Seriously, do it, it’ll feel good. Now that we know social comparison is simply a part of being a member of our species, we can cut ourselves some slack when we catch ourselves doing it, while ALSO reminding ourselves that we get to decide what we do with the information. For example, can we try to see the objects of our comparisons as helpful guides, learning opportunities (both good and bad), and gentle reminders of how beautifully unique we all are, and should feel proud to be? We are all at different places along the road, and to top it off, we’re not even all on the same road! Your current moment is no more or less valuable than anyone else’s, and while we may be hardwired to compare, we’re also inclined to be logical creatures who can recalibrate when we recognize we’re spiraling into unrealistic territory. It takes practice of course, so perhaps try the following when you notice yourself feeling low, in comparison to someone else.
Write down the exact thing or things you perceive the other person is doing “better” at, and be specific. Also, don’t just say it, write it down so you can see it tangibly in front of you.
Ask yourself if the things you wrote down mean for a fact that your life, body, job, or situation is definitively, and without a doubt, bad, awful, and utterly worthless (if your answer is yes, by the way, I also challenge you to prove it).
Now write down three things about your life, body, job, situation that you like– no qualifiers or wishy-washy statements, just plain-as-day facts about how you feel about you.
I think you’ll find that there is in fact no way to prove you are any less valuable or worthy than someone else simply based on social comparisons; it’s just not logical. You are, however, able to balance your less desirable perceptions with some very basic, positive self-assessments, which help us to keep moving forward, instead of feeling stuck in one place that may not be serving our greatest good.
There is more than enough for all of us, and all boats rise.
Here’s the thing: you get to have a journey. It’s called your life, and you’ve been on it since the day you showed up to join us on this crazy, beautiful planet, and you’ll be on it until the energy of your cells repurpose themselves into something other than your human body. Congratulations! You’re on your journey, I’m on my journey, your friends and your family members, the Instagram influencers, politicians and strangers in faraway countries are ALL on their journeys. You are only responsible for yours though, and it’s up to you how you shape your road, how fast or slow you move along it, and who you invite to join you along the way. You have a divine right to pursue the best, most joyful and healthful version of that journey as you can, and no amount of social comparison gets to take that away from you. When you think about it that way, it doesn’t matter where you are on your journey, because every step forward can be something to celebrate. You just have to choose to see it that way.
Are you ready to celebrate? Me too. ❤️
If you’d like to explore more on this topic, and other helpful ways to improve your relationships with self image, body, or to learn how food and nutrition can play a part, join me for the “21-Day Food, Body, Love Challenge”. Hope to see you there!